Since I have hissed at you like customary for 437 times. It is now my duty is as the head of the household to grudgingly welcome you. Perhaps you are here to replace me. But I must do my duty and educate you on new surroundings as Maximilian once did for me. Rest in Peace.
This room is basically a crapshoot. Either you get you petting of your life. I mean two hands. You don’t even know what’s going on. Or just they lie there and don’t do anything for hours. It’s weird. Oh, I should also point out. On special occasion, they will leave the underwear drawer open. The signal of their appreciation of me. Just be clear it’s my spot. (sniffing) It’s perfect in there. It’s like sleeping surrounded by underwear. Well, that I mean exactly what it is.
I remember when I fit in a shoe. It is nothing like it, being gulfed 360 degrees foot smell. (sniffing) Enjoy while you can.
Because you are so small you can’t up jump, which is sad, sad for you. But eventually you will, and you will find the places that I refer to as UP. This welcoming handy. Especially around the human lava, which, I know, smells like milk but can be a bit grabby.
You should be aware that two kinds of food. The first is a sort of dehydrated brown niblet. I think they give us these because they are training us to be astronauts. Just a guess. The second kind is wet food. It is some special they keep it in a little armored metal casings. But no clog to penetrate, with no close to speak of. The humans somehow open them. It’s like some dark magic.
I should warn you the monster know as vacuum. It can eat and yell at the same time. And I’ve seen it eat everything, seriously like paper clip and two cat toys, and didn’t even fletch. To hide from vacuum, you may use curtains invisibility. Oh yeah, you are good. Good hiding. Moor boy.
One final note. Once in a while, you might see a little red dot. I’m going to telling you right now. It is real and can be caught. I did it once. I hold it a full minute. But when I left my paws, it was gone.
So kitten, welcome to the household. You’ll do just fine.